New Year, New Mom
Updated: Jan 26, 2020
New year, new mom.. Well sort of, I'm a new momma of two and my hands and heart are SO FULL! (I'm going to be completely honest here, because I want this to be a place where I can be transparent with you about anything and everything, motherhood, marriage, my business, etc). From the moment I found out that I was pregnant I feared that I wouldn't be able to love another baby as much as I loved my first. It was a constant thought that soon began to consume me. As my due date approached, friends and family began to ask "How are you feeling", "Are you getting excited", "Are you ready", and my reply was always "I'm so ready, to not be pregnant any more", but what I really wanted to say was "No, I'm not ready." The thought of Ella not feeling loved enough or me not being able to love Charlotte as much as I loved Ella terrified me, and made me feel like an awful mother for even thinking. Day's leading up to my due date I felt so anxious, everyone was ready for Charlotte to be born, except for me. I started to think to myself, well maybe we should have waited longer before we had a second child, maybe I should have spent more one on one time with Ella when I had the time to, maybe I was too busy running my business that I didn't even appreciate the time I had with her. These were just some of the feelings and thoughts that I had, both in regards of my first child and my second.. So many thoughts, and so so many different emotions.. What I didn't realize at the time, was that MOM GUILT is a thing, and I was so WRONG, about it all! The moment my sister said to me, "Come on Halie, one more push, she's almost here", and held my hand a little tighter, I looked at her and thought to myself, how did I ever allow myself to feel any of those feelings that I mentioned above? My sister, my best friend, my person is what I am giving to my first born, Ella. Soon, she would have her sister, her best friend, and her person, all in one and I could not be more excited to watch their relationship bloom. Although we are all adjusting at home, I wouldn't have things any other way. Mom and dad may not be getting much sleep, but I am appreciating all of the moments big, and small so much more. The messy house will eventually get cleaned, the dishes will eventually get washed, and the laundry will eventually get folded, but these moments, I won't get back, so I am going to let Ella stay up a little bit longer, have dance parties in the middle of the day, and let both of them sleep in my bed when they wake up and can't fall back to sleep, because before I know it, my babies won't be babies and all I will have are these sweet memories. As soon as I held Charlotte in my arms (January 5, 2020 at 6:29 PM 7lbs 6oz and 20 inches long) my heart was overwhelmed with love and the moment we introduced Ella to Charlotte my heart felt whole. Ella adores Charlotte, and actually thinks she is her baby. Watching Ella love on her little sis absolutely warms my heart. Becoming a mother for the first time you have no idea what to expect, and honestly, becoming a mother for the second time is not much different. You may have mastered the messy bun(well at least I think have, most days), you have learned how to get ready in five minutes, how to function off of just coffee, but besides that, a lot of the time, I'm not even sure I know what I am doing. I could read all the books, google all my questions, and get all the advice from mentors, but no one, and no book can show you how to love your children. So what I do know, is that I am doing the best that I know how to and that's enough for me. Mommas, if you are feeling any of the feelings that I felt, just know that they are all normal feelings. Don't be so hard on your self, hold your little ones a little tighter, and pour your self another cup of coffee, before you know it you'll find your groove again(I'm trying to find mine again too). Last Saturday Ella turned two and tomorrow Charlotte will be three weeks old, being their momma means everything to me. I wish I could pause time, because it's going by way too fast, but more than anything my wish for my daughters is that one day they would appreciate the gift they have in each other.